Body of Christ is found to contain more than 1% horsemeat.

Late last night the Vatican published the result of secret tests which confirm that the body of Christ contains trace elements of Black Beauty. The tests, which were conducted since Pope Benedict’s resignation letter was immediately delivered via the papal chimney to the Big G himself, appear to be conclusive.

            Rome immediately contacted Malcolm Walker, CEO of Iceland, to attend the Conclave.  Before leaving Walker, talking to us while cravat shopping in Manchester airport, denied that the new revelations were anything to be concerned about. “It’s just a bit of horse lad, no bother, no bother. It’s not like it’s done any harm Jesus being a gee gee. It’s that wine you need to worry about, round Rochdale way they used to say it was the blood of choir boys”.
            Cardinal Keith O’Brien has denied claims that the holy horsemeat revelations contributed to his recent resignation as leader of the church in Scotland.  Although claims that the Cardinal used to be a horse himself have been strongly disputed by O’Brien’s groom, questions have been raised about the senior clergyman’s previous pronouncements. For years a vigorous proponent that country treks should be carried out on two feet instead of four hooves, preaching that hay eating is evil, O’Brien’s doctrine has been called into question as rumours of his equine past continue to circulate.
            The scandal comes at a bad time for the church which is in bitter legal wranglings with their costume designers.  The copyright dispute centres mainly around what Sanctimonlines deem their signature jewellery item. The chrome stake, which the church maintains they had an exclusivity deal over, has recently also appeared in accessory ranges sold by New Look and Next.  
       Archbishop of Ascot, Father Dunwoody, said “The Christian values remain firm. Those of judgement, charity and hypocrisy will be sustained despite the rather solid texture of the sacrament”.
            As all eyes turn to Rome and the Conclave that is to elect the new pope, catholic commentators are betting on a win for candidates from countries where the horse population is very low. If the tipsters are right and the new pope comes from a corner of the world where the camel is king, the church hopes to put this story out to graze.